"I envy you." she repeated. "I wanted to grow up and practice corporate law but I became pregnant my sophomore year."
I had no idea how to respond. I felt uncomfortable, I felt entitled, and worst of all I somehow felt guilty. By this simple interaction that took no more than 20 seconds and a few words, I knew I was speaking to someone who had felt forced to give up on a dream. And here I was, all of twenty-six years old, having (for the most part) accomplished mine. The wall of framed diplomas and awards proudly hanging right in this woman's face somehow felt like an arrogant gesture. I fidgeted and blurted, "I heard corporate law isn't that fun anyway."
What a stupid thing to say, I thought. I had just shat on her dreams as not being that great anyway. I spent the next 30 minutes thinking of all the better things I could have said. I could have changed the subject and asked her what she did end up doing. I could have focused on the positives and asked her how old her child is and what was her name. (Without giving too many details away, I later learned she went on to have several more kids and worked in the health services industry.) I could have simply apologized that she had to make such a difficult decision. A decision I had never had to face.
When I went home that night, I wondered why I had felt so guilty and responsible for what had happened to this woman. Maybe, I felt bad because I knew there was nothing I could do to fix it for her. I knew that there were probably millions of other women out there who had to make the same decision, who had to choose between family and education, between their children and a career, between two equally important and cherished dreams. I began to feel angry, why couldn't she have both?
I always assumed that I could have both. I never thought it would be easy, or that it would come naturally, but I also never planned for the unexpected. I look up to women like Ruth Bader Ginsburg, who did manage to have both a lovely family and an extraordinarily successful career. But I never seriously contemplated any alternative.
The fact that I am where I am is a testament to the positive change that has occurred. Law school enrollment is now higher for women then men. And the law makes it explicitly illegal to discriminate against someone based on their gender. But that change only happened because women took action and made the law makers and judges realize that the ways of the past needed to change. Although, there is a not a week that goes by where I am not mistaken for a secretary or an assistant, I'm not insulted by it, I'm just perplexed. I know I am new and young and need to give people a chance to get to know me. But I can't help but notice that this is something that never happened to my male counterparts, and probably never will.
The truth is that even after the last fifty or so years of headway in women's rights, women still face obstacles when it comes to education, the workplace, reproductive rights, and the intersection between all three. In reality, money, time, and available support generally govern a woman's decision in all of these areas. There is a pay gap, child-care is expensive, and work hours (especially of a corporate attorney) are not flexible. It's not that I believe women are faced with harder choices, its that I don't think many people appreciate how life-altering these choices can be. I know I didn't.
For the critics out there, you are correct that I am relying on purely anecdotal evidence and my own experiences and perspective. I am certainly not saying this happens to every woman, or that this woman made the wrong decision. The point is that, it was a decision that had to be made in the first place. And it's one that many (but not all) of our mothers and grandmothers had to make. History shows that it's a decision that a man would likely not have to make, or that would not change the course of his life to the same degree. The overwhelming majority of legislators, politicians, and judges in this country are male. And if myself, as a twenty-six year old female professional didn't recognize how this type of choice could alter a woman's dreams, how could they?
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