ABOUT THAT TIME I WAS BEING MURDERED

I'm home alone with the dogs. Rufus, Friday and Loki have been excellent company for the weekend, but I'm ready to go back to Hoboken. It's my last night, my bags are all packed, laundry folded, electronics tucked away and ready to get carried to work tomorrow. I've just stepped out of the shower. I hear some noise downstairs. Earlier in the day there was a doggie stand off over who got to nap in which dog bed. I shrug it off. I towel off my hair and slip on my robe. Now the dogs are going crazy. Not fun excited playful dog noises, but actual crazy dog sounds. Like, I'm going to murder the mailman and chew on his knee bones type of barking. I run into my bedroom and start to search frantically for my phone. I can't find it. I'm up to my elbows in my purse feeling for it, but my heart is beating so fast I can hardly think. I know I put it in here... I'm going to die, I think. Whoever is trying to kill me is going to succeed because I was too stupid to keep my phone with me. "I put my damn phone in the bottom of my damn purse every damn day and can't find it." I am mumbling.  (and many more expletives). I look around the room hoping to see my phone or something that I could use as a weapon. All I see is my computer and lamp. I've never heard a survival story involving a computer and lamp. I wonder if I could make an emergency call from a macbook air. I wonder if I could bludgeon someone with a lamp. I don't I could get close enough before they shoot me, I think. I wonder if I should jump out the window. 

The barking continues. I can hear the force of a 120 lb black lab running back and forth from one side of the doorway to another, the two little ones yapping and growling at his heels, right behind him.  I swear I can feel the floor shaking.  I hear a loud thump. Friday barks so loud that I can't tell if I'm more afraid of him or whoever is trying to kill me. It's so scary I think whoever he is barking at better run because if they come through that door he is going to do something way worse than the mailman.

As I stand paralyzed waiting for what happens next, I am replaying in my head every crime scene I've ever seen in a movie or on TV. Girl tries to run away and is pulled back by her ankles to her certain death. Girl runs down stairs to see who's there and a dark gloved hand slips around the doorway over her mouth. Girl is kidnapped by a group of masked murders who desperately need the help of an inexperienced medical malpractice attorney.  Girl relies on three dogs, a computer, and lamp to defend herself, dies a horrible certain death. Dogs are rewarded with her knee bones. 

I begin to picture the headlines on the local news, and I realize it will probably read "woman" and not "girl". After all, I will be turning 27 soon. I have a career, student loans, and an apartment. I think I qualify as a woman, and this makes it somehow worse. Like a grown woman was too stupid to call 911. Grown woman dies while her right hand languished in her purse looking for obnoxiously large iPhone 6. Grown woman fails to recognize she is not safe being alone in house because she constantly treats dogs like humans and assumes they can protect her. 

Friday's bark gets louder and brings me out of my reverie in the midst of panic. I hear another thump. I can't help but scream, and the words that come out of my mouth are, "who's there?!?" I realize I've just lost any chance I had at hiding and I certainly didn't sound intimidating. I look at the lamp as my only means of self-defense. I again consider jumping out the window. 

Just then I hear a grunt and an exacerbated "it's me!" Friday stops barking.  In fact, I can hear his tail wagging so hard that its hitting the walls. "You locked two out of three doors." a deep male voice says, without approval. I grimace. I could be dead. 

I walk down the stairs and see Friday wiggling and wagging to see his dad. "I almost called the police on you!" I yelled. He yells back, "And, why didn't you?" "Because," I say, "I planned on coming down here and bludgeoning you with a lamp." He laughs deeply,  "that's a terrible idea." he says. I know. I know. If only he knew what went through my head. He gives me a big hug. 

SCIENCE PROVES HORSES SMARTER THAN MOST MEN

I came across an article today highlighting something that I always figured to be true: horses have the ability to distinguish between human emotions. This is truly fascinating, there is now scientific evidence that horses can recognize when your happy, sad or angry. Finally, proof of what I truly believed all along: horses exceed boys in their ability to recognize and respond to your emotions.  This explains a lot.
 

But didn't I already know this? After a ride I go to clean my tack and leave Moose in the aisle to cool down or dry off. As I disappear around the corner to the tack cleaning area, I can hear his feet start shifting on the concrete of the aisle. After 30 seconds of not seeing me, he starts to paw at the floor. This, at first may seem kind of cute. He misses me! But its actually really annoying, really bad for his feet, and really bad for the flooring of the barn. What's interesting is all that it takes for him to stop is for me to lean around the corner and shoot him an angry face. One stern extended glance and he's still as a statue, just looking at me with those big brown eyes. Sometimes I add in an firm, "Moooose! Stop it." Never a yell, never more than a stern command. But he gets it. He stops. At least for the next five minutes, until he thinks I am no longer angry with him and he tries to get my attention again.... I just lean around the corner again with another stern look and he stops.

The British study used a series of high quality photographs of an adult male making various faces connected to human emotions: angry, happy, etc. The study showed that horses could tell the difference as proven by their heart rates and own facial expressions. Although this is not unique to horses, and studies have shown dogs and sheep have similar reactions, it's interesting because it proves what so many of us horse people always just seemed to know. As one of the participating doctorate students said, "[w]e have known for a long time that horses are a socially sophisticated species but this is the first time we have seen that they can distinguish between positive and negative human facial expressions.”

 



This is Zoe's "I know I'm in trouble face".

Is anyone else not surprised by this? As I read this study, I thought anyone that has worked with ponies already knows that they can recognize emotions and a lot more. My mom could cluck to my pony Phantom from across the show ring and she would swish her tail, push into high gear, and extend her stride to get out of a line. Our pony Poppy will be bad for the little students behind my mom's back, but the second she turns around and gives him a firm look, he acts as if he's been an angel the whole time. We once had a horse in the  barn that refused to let his owner get on him. Every time she climbed up the mounting block he would take two steps to the side, making it impossible for her to throw her short legs over his back. All my mom had to do was walk out of the barn and look at him and he would behave. We had another horse like this too, that would hear her coming down the aisle, and move to the back of the stall in submission, knowing that the fun was over and he better let his human put his bridle on. Not only are these examples of horses distinguishing between different people, but it's evidence that they can distinguish between different emotions from different humans, and the different consequences that arise when confronted with those human emotions.

 

I think it works the other way too. Whenever I'm sad there is no question that my dog Rufus knows what's up and tries to cuddle me into happiness. (It usually works). But I'm pretty sure Moose also knows too! Maybe its just me being hopeful, but I'm certain he buries his head in my chest and is extra loving when I come visit him after a long bad day. He just knows. So next time a man asks why you expect them to read your mind, you can tell him because your horse already does.  

 

 

 

 

  

Thoroughbreds

It seems like every year Budweiser comes out with a cuter and sappier beer commercial featuring puppies, and foals, and heart-throbs. But this year for the super bowl, Budweiser went with a totally different vibe. This year, it was much different. And it seemed like they could be talking about something else.